The task has been set … Commit to your goals! Well, I can do that. I don’t think anybody can accuse me of lacking commitment. Looking back, I’ve committed to a lot of things in my life and followed them through to the end. I tend to forget about what I’ve done, though. I still struggle with making new commitments but at least now I can stand back with the full understanding of where this comes from. It only took 40 years to see it. Hmmmmm – is that because I didn’t want to – or because I’m a bit of a slow learner?? LOL Truth is, I hesitate before committing because there’s been a pattern throughout my whole life of charging forwards – regardless of whether that goal is days, months or years away -, putting 210% effort into whatever it is, getting closer, closer, closer and then …… seeing the finish line! ‘Wahay!’ you might think? But no! I seem to always be wearing red when approaching that finish line, and right behind it? Yep! A bloody great BULL!! So what do I do? Don’t be silly! I RUN! Back the way I came! Fast as I can!
Patterns that have been there for 40 years are tricky to break. I’ve broken them a few times – mostly thanks to my best friend who ten years ago put that pattern into words: ‘Amanda,’ she said, ‘when are you going to give yourself permission to be good at things?’
She hit the nail on the head and I’ve never forgotten that. I’m very hard on myself. I’m fiercely competitive but always bottle it in the final stretch. After a year’s worth of thought and assessment I think a lot of this comes from the fact that my mother used to always tell me to never try and be really good at anything; it was far better to just be ‘OK’ at a lot of things.’
Moving swiftly away from my mother (LOL) … those words have hung over me, drilled deep into my brain and controlled everything I’ve ever done. I’m angry that all this happened without my conscious knowledge. It’s frightening that as a mum this is such a clear message that I could be doing the same with my own children. What have I said? What have I done? Are they ever going to forgive me?? OK, I’m getting over-dramatic, aren’t I? I’m doing my best – and my mum did her best, too.
But she left me with that battle. However, now that I know about it, I’m accountable and it’s up to me to fight it, right? How many of us are fighting that same battle on a daily basis? Facing that fear of doing well? Afraid of success in case …………. well, in case WHAT?
That’s the crux of it, isn’t it? What is the worst that’s going to happen if we succeed? What’s the best that’s going to happen?
I’ve committed ………… to seeing a number on the scales over the next 12 weeks that I’ve never seen before. I’m committing to this because it’s my private conquest … a finish line that I’ve never crossed before and in my heart this is a big battle and crossing that line will be proof that I can finish things I start and finish in style!! I’ve committed to taking my black belt kickboxing grading – be it this year or next (hopefully this year but needs to be with instructor’s consent). Wow! That’ll be a huge testament to being able to see something through to the end. And I’ve committed to getting a tough and consistent workout routine in place so that I can push my fitness up another notch and ensure my strength improves so I have the best chance of meeting my other goals!
I WILL cross those finish lines – and I WILL say ‘I deserve to feel proud’.
This is my commitment to myself. The rest of the task is about making that commitment to everybody else – to be accountable to family and friends. Well, I’ve also committed to be totally honest – and quite honestly I have a problem committing to everyone else. This is as ‘out there’ as it’s really going to get. Everything else I do is ‘out there’. This journey is mine! I need this for ‘me’. So I’m committing to … everyone else who is joining me on this journey (or am I joining them??) and to everyone who reads this blog post! I’ve met the task halfway by committing to my goals on Facebook – but without stating how I’m going to get there! If anyone asks, I’ll tell them. Otherwise, this is my journey, my time, my goals and my inner war. Thanks to anyone for understanding that and wishing everyone with goals and commitments an exciting race to the finish line!! Great things lie on the other side …