Category: Things mothersome … (Page 1 of 2)

Aspergers snapshot

The scene: Pile of clean towels on the bannister at the bottom of the stairs. They’ve just toppled over. Now lying at the bottom of the stairs. I’m on my way down. Son is about to come up.
Me: Oi! Don’t you dare just step over those towels.
Son: What do you mean?
Me: I mean don’t even think about stepping OVER the towels.
Son (totally confused) … stands both feet carefully ON the towels.

Note to self: Aspergers: very literal. Pedantic. Little understanding of nuances.

I think I nearly pee’d I laughed so much. I should’ve known better. Bless him. Fabulous.

Daughterly blonde moment

Some things simply have to be documented …. like Caitriona’s blonde moment of yesterday, passed on to me in her own words:

Classmate: What battle was in 1066?
Caitriona: Wasn’t it Hastings?
Classmate: That’s it! Blimey, well remembered!
Caitriona: Yeah, I even impressed myself. I don’t even DO chemistry!


And God created ….

Just a quickie – while we seem to be having a week recognising the lack of my children’s biblical knowledge. I don’t think this blog can conceivably omit Sebastian’s priceless contribution. On the subject of creationism, I hasten to inform you that Adam and Eve were NOT the first people created by God. Long before then, Sebastian has reliably informed us, God created Romeo and Juliet!!!!

However, I’m relieved to know that he’s not alone in his knowledge of the bible. A friend posted earlier today that her daughter thought God created Jack and Jill!

Buying into church schooling …

So the topic this term is transport. I was very impressed with Rebecca’s efforts (9 years old). She did a powerpoint presentation all by herself – COMPLETELY unaided – about the Big Lemon Bus. She had a little bit of history and lots of photos of the ‘wedding bus’ and many other uses for the BLB. And there … right in the middle … is a picture of Jesus bearing the cross. The caption reads ‘Also good for the environment’.

Suppressing a huge desire to guffaw at the image of Jesus being an environmentally-friendly alternative mode of transport – and ignoring the half dozen other possible  interpretations of said photo with caption, I stick with the simplest:
‘Erm …. why is there a picture of Jesus in your bus project, Rebecca?’
‘Because I thought I should put something religious in,’ she answered.
It was that simple. As always, extra brownie points are awarded for any link with religion. However, I DO think this link is slightly tenuous.

What can I say? Hmmmmm. Not sure she’s taking her church schooling very seriously – or buying into the religious element!! Very proud of her, really, for making up her own mind!
Good girl! Who am I to argue?

Death by parenting

When did we all become so damned precious? I mean, at what particular point did it all start to go so horribly wrong? Wrong in the sense that we are determined to kill our own children! You know what? For all that the third world countries DON’T have what we do, they are going to end up thriving in one way or another and we – supposedly the wealthier and more knowledgeable countries – will have killed off our offspring to the extent that we will obliterate ourselves. But we’ve known that forever, you say? Ah yes, but YOU are talking about war, perhaps. I, on the other hand, am talking about parenting. Modern day parenting is killing our kids!!! What is going on?

Three examples … or this would be a novel, not a blog:

Example 1: We’ve denied our children vital knowledge in the field of basic survival. Our poor little darlings are no longer allowed to play conkers in case they hurt their little selves. And God forbid that they should fall off a swing … Oh no, wait! That’s OK because the surface beneath modern day swings is soft and squidgy – just in case! So let’s see … childhood bragging rights have been taken away (I defy you ‘not’ to have a story about the hardest conker, the massive bruise, not being able to hold a pen for a week, the best match ever …….). Childhood really is no more. And falling off swings, tumbling out of trees and falling off walls is NECESSARY for survival. How else do you learn to ‘relax’ when you hit the ground, how to land softly on your knees (because cement is NOT bouncy!), how to know the difference between ‘hurt’ and ‘pain’ … It makes no sense. Cotton-wool-clad kids, bubble-wrapped, molly-coddled – and for who? For the kids? No! The kids don’t give a damn. This is all about the parents. Yes – YOU GUYS! For crying out loud, what is your problem that you can’t let your kids be kids – let them fall and yelp and hurt themselves like ‘real’ children should? This is not about protecting your children. This is about denying them everything that childhood is about – and taking away vital survival knowledge, too! Since when did parenting become so idiotic?

Example 2: Hunter Gatherers? Only if it’s fast food! So don’t take your kids to the goddamned fast food restaurants. Your little darlings will live. Gosh, they might even live longer! How scary is that, eh? What IS the problem with parents force-feeding their children crap? Oh, they won’t eat anything else? Well, I’ve got news for you. They’ll eat vegetables when they’re hungry – and they won’t eat burgers and chips if you don’t bloody well put it in front of them! Who is killing who, here? It’s blatant child abuse. Stop making excuses for yourself because YOU are responsible!

Example 3: Rickets. Yep! Isn’t that just the last straw? That children in WESTERN EUROPE are being diagnosed with rickets? And you know why? Because parents have become so lazy and ignorant that they’d rather risk their children’s lives than have to wash their clothes and mop up a dirty floor after some trampling with wellies! No. God forbid that our children should get wet. Wet days are for staying indoors and watching endless television. Children mustn’t get wet, oh no, because they might get sick! (since when did rain water cause illness???) Children should be kept indoors in the warmth of our bacteria-infested houses rather than be outside breathing fresh air, running around, leaping in puddles, getting completely saturated and, Heaven help us, having fun!! And because today’s parents can’t be bothered kicking those little butts out the door in the rain and/or the cold (think of the state of the kitchen floor afterwards, oh my!), the poor things are showing deficiencies in Vitamin D and being diagnosed with rickets.

Oh, you know what? Poor things will be better off dead in the end. None of them deserve this kind of parenting. Death by parenting, that’s what it is – or coming close to it!


New 17-year-old

And what a scary thought that is! Forget about his own enthusiasm today, I’m still recovering from the shock. Wasn’t it only yesterday that I found him hanging upside down out of his electric swing – smiling away and quite obviously enjoying an alternative view of his world? Wasn’t it just last week that I stood in front of him and said ‘Ten seconds to warp core breach’ – and laughed delightedly when he then threw his hands up in the air and made rocket noises – and wasn’t it this morning that I stood him up on his changing table, stood back and waited for him to scream ‘BANZAI’ and launch himself 2 feet into the air (with absolute confident that I’d catch him) lol

Oh – those were the days. What fun! Happily, he’s still loads of fun. It’s just slightly more sophisticated these days (although the same could probably not be said for his puns …)

His bedroom is lot more untidy. Definitely smellier. His shoes are way, way, wa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-y too large – and unfortunately he can also reach the chocolate in the fridge, no matter what shelf it’s on!

Still … can’t complain. What a wonderful 17-year-old. I’ve been blessed. Definitely leaning towards 97% luck and 3% parenting (that much, I hear you say?) Yeah, well …… I have to live in the belief that I contributed something somewhere.

Now – if his siblings are equally wonderful and easy at 17, you’re going to hear me shouting from the rooftops. Oh, I’m sure they will be! They’re doing pretty well so far. I just hope they slow down a little and don’t reach 17 quite so quickly as Chris did! Nappies, though. I don’t miss nappies! …

Halloween initiative

Don’t you just love initiative? It’s so refreshing when you watch kids coming up with new ideas, being creative and/or ‘harmlessly’ (key word) ignoring the rules …

There’s nothing strange or startling or worthy of frontline news here, but I laughed my head off several times (and I’m still laughing) when Sebastian (12) told me how he’d handled trick or treating this year to maximum gain …

Seemingly, he and his pal ran down to the shops earlier in the day and bought three Halloween masks each. Then … you guessed it … they did the rounds of all the houses three times each!

Tell me that’s not ingenious. I think that’s fab!

Why obesity is rife!

Despair kicked in today as I was waiting in the bakery and a mother in child in front of me had the following conversation:

Mother: I’ll get you a carrot cake
Child: Aww no, I don’t want carrot cake. I want a doughnut.
Mother: You can’t have a doughnut. I’m not going to buy you anything with sugar in!


Is it no wonder obesity rates have soared? Where do you start?? Note that this lady was actually very well dressed and spoke ‘right proper like’ (kidding) – no, she really DID speak in intelligible English and she was obviously trying to make an effort and do something ‘right’ for her child!!

Where did it all go so horribly wrong?

p.s.  Another wee gem I heard this morning … Somebody asked ‘How much wheat is there in a banana?’

*sigh* I rest my case …

Innocent revelations …

At the recycling centre with Sebastian yesterday. Almost done. Handed him the bag full of Saturday night’s bottles (yes, there were quite a few!). We strolled over to the bank and he threw in the first bottle – and shivered. Quite innocently, he turned to me and said … “Oooooo, I don’t like that sound’ (i.e. the sound of smashing glass). In true Pavlov’s dog style, he continued … ‘I always get into trouble when I hear that noise!!!’

??? Revealing, or what?

Gotta laugh and not dwell on it too much. I think I’d rather not know … LOL

Never a dull moment

It just doesn’t let up, does it? This mother stuff … but it’s all good fun – most of the time.

I’m currently dealing with career matters and it’s been challenging to say the least. I’ve got one who has gone from medicine to media in the space of a week, one who wants to be an actress, one tossing up between professional pianist and street dancer and one who is going to be a mermaid!


On a different note, the Hyatt family has indeed been enlightened. The wisdom of 11-year-olds has dictated that indeed Steinway pianos are ‘absolute rubbish’ (his words)! Who can argue with that? Apart from 99.9% of the population – but try telling that to a stubborn kid who’s just messed up his scales in an audition because the action of the Steinway is so different from his own piano!!!

And did you know that the Cutty Sark doesn’t sit on the Thames? Nope. Greenwich, I’ll have you know – looks over the Nile!  Yes … don’t start me on education these days. I’ve been watching with some kind of horrid fascination as my primary school bunch have come home with various projects and bits of homework on Africa, India, WWII, WWI, various sporting celebrities and the occasional film star. All very interesting – but wouldn’t the country they’re living in be a good place to start? Give them a blank map of Europe and they can’t point to a single country and name it. Give them a map of Britain and ask them to fill in London and Glasgow – what a laugh! And as for Wales – is that a country or a city???????

I’ll stop there. Like I said – sore subject.

But at least I can rest easy that I won’t have to fork out thousands of pounds on a crappy old Steinway piano, eh?? LOL

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