Month: January 2012 (page 1 of 5)

Pilates? Puh-lease!

Working up to Week 1 and I’m getting nervous because I should be running 50 km per week, instead of which I’m spending a bloomin’ fortune on advice to help my knees agree to support me at something more than a quick march! Divorce mediation has NOTHING on the conversations between me and my damned knees at the moment!!!

So the acupuncturist (absolutely amazing man and the most wonderful ‘energy’ about him – pure magic!) decided it would be really beneficial for me to book a Pilates with Equipment session or two. In a moment of weakness, I agreed.

Good God, I was losing the will to live before I’d even got in the door! Help!!! Oh, it is just soooooooooooooooo not me! I can sit still and meditate. I can even sit in front of the television for hours (tough, eh??). Or I can kick the crap out of the bags at the gym or do 1000 reps or 200 burpees … but lying on my bag ‘tweaking’ my ankles, ‘softening’ my toes (oh, hello??), breathing through my back (don’t even go there!), and mentally creating ‘space’????

Next stop: Psychiatric Unit!! That’s all I have to say.

But I promised I would do EVERYTHING to help my knees so I can get the best out of these 12 weeks (and the rest of my life …) and I’ve always kept my word. Just five more sessions to go ….. OMG, where’s the Valium?

(Note to 12wbt-ers: Bear in mind that this was nowhere – NOWHERE – not even in a single sentence …. in my commitment statement!!!)

*screams into cushion*


Small stone 31-1-2012

From Grrrrr to Brrrrr – seeing Red to seeing White – hot temper to brain freeze … outdoors, indoors, outside my body, inside my head. Such a thin, thin line between extremes. Poles apart … yet the ground can be covered in less than ten minutes!

The Commitment Task

The task has been set … Commit to your goals! Well, I can do that. I don’t think anybody can accuse me of lacking commitment. Looking back, I’ve committed to a lot of things in my life and followed them through to the end. I tend to forget about what I’ve done, though. I still struggle with making new commitments but at least now I can stand back with the full understanding of where this comes from. It only took 40 years to see it. Hmmmmm – is that because I didn’t want to – or because I’m a bit of a slow learner?? LOL  Truth is, I hesitate before committing because there’s been a pattern throughout my whole life of charging forwards – regardless of whether that goal is days, months or years away -, putting 210% effort into whatever it is, getting closer, closer, closer and then …… seeing the finish line! ‘Wahay!’ you might think? But no! I seem to always be wearing red when approaching that finish line, and right behind it? Yep! A bloody great BULL!! So what do I do? Don’t be silly! I RUN! Back the way I came! Fast as I can!

Patterns that have been there for 40 years are tricky to break. I’ve broken them a few times – mostly thanks to my best friend who ten years ago put that pattern into words: ‘Amanda,’ she said, ‘when are you going to give yourself permission to be good at things?’

She hit the nail on the head and I’ve never forgotten that. I’m very hard on myself. I’m fiercely competitive but always bottle it in the final stretch. After a year’s worth of thought and assessment I think a lot of this comes from the fact that my mother used to always tell me to never try and be really good at anything; it was far better to just be ‘OK’ at a lot of things.’

Moving swiftly away from my mother (LOL) … those words have hung over me, drilled deep into my brain and controlled everything I’ve ever done. I’m angry that all this happened without my conscious knowledge. It’s frightening that as a mum this is such a clear message that I could be doing the same with my own children. What have I said? What have I done? Are they ever going to forgive me?? OK, I’m getting over-dramatic, aren’t I? I’m doing my best – and my mum did her best, too.

But she left me with that battle. However, now that I know about it, I’m accountable and it’s up to me to fight it, right? How many of us are fighting that same battle on a daily basis? Facing that fear of doing well? Afraid of success in case …………. well, in case WHAT?

That’s the crux of it, isn’t it? What is the worst that’s going to happen if we succeed? What’s the best that’s going to happen?

I’ve committed ………… to seeing a number on the scales over the next 12 weeks that I’ve never seen before. I’m committing to this because it’s my private conquest … a finish line that I’ve never crossed before and in my heart this is a big battle and crossing that line will be proof that I can finish things I start and finish in style!! I’ve committed to taking my black belt kickboxing grading – be it this year or next (hopefully this year but needs to be with instructor’s consent). Wow! That’ll be a huge testament to being able to see something through to the end. And I’ve committed to getting a tough and consistent workout routine in place so that I can push my fitness up another notch and ensure my strength improves so I have the best chance of meeting my other goals!

I WILL cross those finish lines – and I WILL say ‘I deserve to feel proud’.

This is my commitment to myself. The rest of the task is about making that commitment to everybody else – to be accountable to family and friends. Well, I’ve also committed to be totally honest – and quite honestly I have a problem committing to everyone else. This is as ‘out there’ as it’s really going to get. Everything else I do is ‘out there’. This journey is mine! I need this for ‘me’. So I’m committing to … everyone else who is joining me on this journey (or am I joining them??) and to everyone who reads this blog post! I’ve met the task halfway by committing to my goals on Facebook – but without stating how I’m going to get there! If anyone asks, I’ll tell them. Otherwise, this is my journey, my time, my goals and my inner war. Thanks to anyone for understanding that and wishing everyone with goals and commitments an exciting race to the finish line!! Great things lie on the other side …

Small stone 30-1-2012

Reading aloud an excerpt from your autobiography. That sudden and unmistakable look of surprise on your face is a dead giveaway that you didn’t write it!

Small stone 29-1-2012

Quietly proud. Training on the beach with a group of wonderful people who three months ago wouldn’t have been able to keep up with the session. Secretly thinking ‘A little bit of that is down to me!’ It feels good to make a difference.

Small stone 28-1-2012

That moment when you realise you are listening to Rolf Harris on your iphone and you hope to God nobody stops to ask what music you’re listening to that’s making you laugh while you’re running!

Took the ramp. Landed with a headache.

I thought the pre-season tasks to the 12-week programme would never start. Now I’m getting nervous that there aren’t enough of them. The start line is approaching and I seem to have slowed to a very slow crawl. In fact, I appear to be side-stepping, so not moving forwards at all. This is not a good place to be!

The last time I posted I was heading at break-neck speed for a bloody great ramp! Well, I can tell you now that I failed to dodge it, had to bend knees, tuck in and schuss! It was too late to realise I’d forgotten my helmet. Fortunately, I didn’t break my neck upon landing, in spite of the speed. I did, however, end up with a whopping great headache … which has been with me for two days now!

But if I’m not on my feet, I have at least got as far as hands and knees and yes, I’m not going to spend any more time whining (well, not much, anyway – what’s life without a whine, eh?). Actually, the only thing I’m whining about is my inability to running and the thought that my 2012 goals are still very much hanging in the balance. I’ve stuck to my guns and my promise to not run for two weeks. Nearing the end of Week 1 and going stir crazy. I’ve been attempting to do my weekly distance on the indoor rower … had       15 km planned yesterday but I can honestly say that I was simply losing the will to live after 10 and I stopped.  I didn’t leave the gym, though. Did a couple of sets of lunges, single leg squats and calf raises, followed by a 3-minute plank (just to prove to myself that I could still do it!). My head was pounding for the rest of the day BUT I sucked it up and went kickboxing anyway!!

Today, well, I’m not exactly bouncing with energy so I’ll keep this short before I start moaning again. Head still banging but I’ve hoovered, tidied the living room, emptied out and sorted two big drawers and done the filing. Now I’m going to plan my food till the end of Jan.

This week’s pre-season has been about setting those goals and gearing up. My goals may have to be moved but I’m slowly getting my head around the fact that this would not be the end of the world. I may not make the marathon but I could still ‘walk’ the ultra? That’s not what I initially had in mind and feels like wimping out but a little common sense just might help my knees …  As for the gearing up, I noticed yesterday that my not-too-old trainers already have a couple of little holes in the top (hazard of running through deep water in them) so I just might have to buy some new ones!! Now, there’s a thought that I can cope with?? lol

I’m going to end on the positives. My headache will not last forever (Note to self: serves you right for not avoiding that ski-jump (made of carbs and sugar)). My knees WILL recover and all the rowing and leg work I do this coming week is only going to ensure my speedy return to running. I am going to smash it at kickboxing tomorrow.

Business WILL pick up (puzzle for the week: to apply or not to apply for the PT job advertised at my local gym???)

Oh – and I was shortlisted for a prize in a national writing magazine with my poem on the set theme of ‘daydreaming’. Life is good, so shut up and get on with it!


Small stone 27-1-2012

I pull myself up short; stop the words ‘You might as well not be wearing a skirt for all the good that piece of thread is doing!’ from tumbling out of my mouth. Mantra for the day: I will not turn into my mother I will not turn into my mother I will not turn int……

Small stone 26-1-2012

Smart trousers, polished shoes, long-sleeved pressed shirt, no tie … regular clothes tipping my world into a different era … worn by my baby boy heading for his first university interview! Magic.

Small stone 25-1-2012

Sounds of Grieg gently probe each nook and corner of the room, surprised occasionally by the intermittent percussive snoring of the Golden, stretched out and dreaming; ever-so-light rhythmic clunking noises emanate from upstairs, evidence of a boy’s piano practice, headphones on; no pings or crashes, thumps or yells, not even a voice … Home … in the middle of a deep sigh.

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