Archive for March, 2011

Plea from an Irish Coffee

17
Mar

It’s St Patrick’s Day. Please help me. I’m … well, I’m not too tall, but I’m dark and handsome, I wear a very fetching cream-coloured hat and, let’s face it, I’m really quite delectable. But I’m constantly abused. People treat me like a birthday cake – something to be played with and decorated. At other times I feel like a fairground attraction. I’m not! I’m quite wonderful just the way I am and I’m begging you to help inform the public that I don’t like being mucked around with. I give far more pleasure au naturel – if you get my meaning. Now, will you help save me? Yes? Here’s what you need to do:

  • I wasn’t born to be cold. Do you put your clothes into the fridge before you put them on? No? Then please don’t do it to me. I don’t like cold. For the best taste, I need a nice warm glass with nice warm whisky. Thank you.
  • I don’t like it when I’m wearing my stylish cream hat around my knees, so to speak! Hats, after all, are supposed to stay on top. Besides, I look so much more elegant.  If my hat is anywhere else, then you’re not drinking a real Irish Coffee any more. The pleasure is in drinking the whisky and coffee through the cream. If my hat is swirling elsewhere, either you’ve forgotten to put sugar in the whisky, you haven’t stirred the coffee before adding the cream or you’ve stirred the cream after pouring it. Shame on you! I’m insulted.
  • As I’ve already mentioned, I’m not that tall! Please don’t serve me in a tall glass and certainly *shudders* NO STRAWS! Eugh!  Tall glasses are for tall drinks. Straws are for cocktails. I’m neither.
  • Did I mention cocktail? Since when was I a cocktail? Besides, I despise umbrellas unless, of course, you’re savouring my delights in the rain! Then you, by all means, may have an umbrella, but kindly keep it away from me!
  • Do you like things being thrown at you? No, I thought not. So why, oh why, do you insist on throwing that disgusting, powdery, sneeze-inducing and utterly insulting cocoa powder on top of me. I mean, what’s next? Chocolate sprinkles? Gosh – perhaps you’d like different flavours. Strawberry, perhaps? Or why not Hundreds and Thousands? Do I look like a child? If I want to taste like hot chocolate and cognac (yum, by the way!)then I’ll call myself ‘hot chocolate and cognac’. Besides, it simply makes my hat look grubby and dirty and it’s quite unbecoming for a drink of my class, so please

2011 sounds like the perfect year to save the Irish Coffee. Please help me!

Real Irish Coffee:  Warm whisky and glass over a flame. Add a teasp or two of brown sugar to whisky. Pour in the coffee. Whip cream until slightly thickened. Stir coffee and while liquid is still moving pour cream (helps to pour it over the back of a teaspoon). Relax and enjoy. Then have another!

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St Patrick’s Day – have you been jinxed?

17
Mar

It’s that time of year again – St Patrick’s Day, when many unsuspecting humans, undoubtedly under the spell of some evil, giggling leprechaun, find themselves drinking green drinks, searching cupboards for green clothing and talking about the luck of the Irish and the cuteness of leprechauns.
Wakey! Wakey! You’ve been jinxed!
Of course, if you want to drink green Guinness, nobody’s stopping you, but don’t be fooled by the warped cutesy-ness of the leprechaun depicted on your pint glass or on the pub wall. Let’s get this straight: the leprechauns of Irish legend have nothing cute about them at all. In fact, they are very short, very ugly and very evil. Grouchy, grumpy, bad-tempered employees of the Good People (Irish Faeries), they work as cobblers, guard Faery treasure and steal children – particularly children dressed in green! Yes, fooled again! Did you know that green is probably the least lucky colour of the Irish? It is the favourite colour of the faeries and woe betide any adult or child wearing too much of it. Leave home without it!
That’s not to say that you shouldn’t have a very jolly St Patrick’s Day, but, to be safe, avoid the green! And if you happen to hear a leprechaun laughing at you as you stroll along a quiet lane, don’t hang around to admire him. Chase him. Catch him. If you can force him to reveal his name you’ll have power over him – and you know what that means, don’t you? He can lead you to the end of the rainbow …
(and while you have him, would you mind asking what he’s done with all my socks???)

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